Drill. Down.

Today I visited everyone's favorite person... the dentist.

I have no idea why the dentist actually exist -- and I truly loathe the experience. There are several reasons that I hate the dentist, but I will share just a few. Granted my experiences at the dentist may not be common, because I visit the doc that the military provides.

A. I'm always made to feel a failure when I go. Brush and floss twice a day? Doesn’t matter that I do, because when brushing I have to angle the bristles in a particular manner. Apparently, if the bristles aren't angled at a perfect 57.6 degrees, all my brushing is for nothing. Would have been good information 23 years ago.

B. Despite the fact that I'm a grown man, the dentist always talks to me in an extremely condescending voice. It's not quite incoherent, baby talk. . . but it's just a few steps above that. I'm not sure if the change in speech is his feeble attempt to comfort me, but it doesn't help. In fact, it angers me to the point where I give serious consideration to taking one of those dental instruments and jamming it down his eye socket.

C. When the Doc isn't talking to me in some ridiculous, bull shit, tone he's busy whispering to the dental tech that's camped out in the room. (and who will undoubtedly do all the work) What's the big secret? Newsflash guy with the gloves and mask: not very many life-altering announcements have been made by a dentist. Just tell me what the deal is.

D. Back to those satanic tools of torture I mentioned earlier. Why is every tool in a dentist’s arsenal some form of pick, needle, or drill? Happen to have any tools in that bag that aren't used in cheap S&M pornos? Guess not. I have a pretty high pain tolerance, but even I cringe when my gums are being annihilated by some 2000 RPM elf drill. Does the dental tech ever give me a “sorry”, or “my bad”? Nope. She just keeps on torturing me. Perfect job for a dominatrix.

The silver lining of this visit: 2 hours out of the office. I guess when it’s all said and done, I still love the Air Force.

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